i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
