cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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