My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
