your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She needs sedatives and a leash
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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