she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
