Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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