Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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