yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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