I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
