I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
