I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
