Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
