I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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