I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
