I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
