um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
