he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
