did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
