i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
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