A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I lost the right to judge tonight
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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