If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
