I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
