Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
