i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
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