He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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