Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
