remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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