Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
