I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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