grandma shit on top of the toilet
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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