JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
