Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
