He told me they were just razor bumps!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
