dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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