The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
