I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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