i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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