The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
