I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
