My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
