Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
