I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
