i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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