WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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