Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
