i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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