I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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