Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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