Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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