my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
